September 12th, 2015. Yep. I was officially graduated.

The graduation ceremony started at 7 am, exactly, in the morning. I got the first period of this odd semester's graduation. There were 1,058 students in the ballroom and I could see that all of us were having over-happy face expressions that explicitly shout out to the world, "Wohooooo! we are finally graduated from this super messy university! we are no longer suffering ourselves just for finding a space in parking slots for our motorcycles! We are no longer being pathetic witnesses of all the non-human activities caused by the principals and this year batch's 13,000 students! Thank God!!!!"

The graduation went well. Before it finished I have got lots of messages and missed calls from my best friends telling that they were waiting me in front of my faculty. How lovely :')

Before I went to my faculty, like the other graduated students, I spent time taking pictures with my family. Yes, taking pictures with the painting of library's bookshelf as the background.

Pardon the over makeup.

"Dear Mom and Dad, thank you for all the super struggling sweats you sincerely made every seconds, during these 18 years, just for making sure that I could keep studying at school. I could type no words to describe how I feel everytime I look at this photo and stare at your faces. Dear my sister, thank you for being very annoying and stubborn. I know you have lots of tremendous plans for your future, and don't worry, I will always be the one who support you so much when everyone drags you down"

The distance between the graduation ballroom and my faculty was far enough. Far enough when the sun shone brightly and you decided to walk with wearing 9 cm wedges and a traditional jarit. But, I really felt that the scout-adventure-like walk was worth it  after I saw them standing awkwardly in front of my faculty just for waiting for me:

Left to right: Minyul, I, Ghea

 "A 10 year togetherness can be counted as an everlasting friendship. We lately don't meet each other quite often but, once we do, we only need to look at each other's face expression when the other asks 'How are you' to completely figure out what has been happening. Minyuuul, Gheaaa thank you so much for the fucking amazing bouqette!!"

left to right: Uyun, Desfri, Ceri, I, Gum, Galuh

"How should I tell you about these girls? I can say that high school bestfriends are all holly-shit idiots and nuts, and, they are. Researchers state that when someone gets into new environment and interact in it for such a long time, he/she will change. Thus, people change everytime. I do admit that I have turned into a completely different woman by the time I got into my university life. But I do admit that I can't refrain my own self to automatically turn myself back into my high-school self when I am with them. It has been 5 years but it is so surprising that we are still having the same taste of humor"

a stubborn but super funny bestfriend: Mas Iqbal

"I honestly was quite surprised when he could come to my graduation day since he has been back to his hometown and is so busy with his job. When I saw him, I just wanted to jump and hug him but since it's forbidden, I could only hold his hand and smile. I could clearly see through his face, the way he gazed, the way his eyes looked and stared at, showing that he's tired. Thank you for coming to my graduation day. Your presence is truly a gift :)"

A sibling and a bestfriend: Wika

"I have been hitchhiking to her since we were in the 4th semester in university. I didn't ask her to do that, she kindheartedly wanted it. We recently found out that we are siblings, we have the same grand grandfather. After that, she kept telling this pathetic fact to our friends while I was busy rejecting what she stated. In that photo above, you could clearly see that I have happy-and-sad face expression. I was happy that you could come to my graduation day although you're late (as usual). But I was also very sad that, after we spent 8 months together working on our thesis in the library, I failed to help and motivate you more. You should know that everything we did together; the companion, the laugh, the talk, the stupid behaviors, are all priceless to me. I do hope you could be graduated this semester. Fight!"

Left to right: Briza, Mas Iqbal, I, Alfian (up), Chory, Wika (down), Merrys, Nurul, Yufan, Haykal (down)

"All in all, thank you so much for coming guys! I do love the gifts. Plus, I never expected that I am loved this much. Best wishes for each of you :)"

 "I got all I need when I got you and I

I look around me and see a sweet life

I am stuck in the dark but you are my flashlight

You are getting me, getting me, through the night

Kick start my heart when you shine it in my eyes

Can't lie, it is a sweet life"

Well, it's been a little while since my last post.
My undergraduate thesis acted like 3 months baby girl to me. You know what I mean.
But thank God, now I've got another 3 months baby girl. Her name is Unemployed.
So this little baby girl keeps whining all the time forcing myself to look for her father. Yeah. What a life.

Let's straight to the point.

For those who have met me in real life, I am sure you do see the condition of one of my front tooth. For those who have met me and have talked to my father at least two times, I am sure you do know how I always feel regarding to that front tooth condition. For those who are luckier, I am sure you know how that front tooth ended up that way.

Yesterday, a company called me for an interview. SO today, I decided to go to the dentist. I don't have enough money to choose the best choice the doctor gave. I could only choose the not-so-good-but-good choice which allows me to survive in this "new return" for max. 2 months. But that's okay. I am so sure I can choose the best choice very soon.

see the strange thing?

You probably think: What for?. You probably feel: are you serious? mek sak mene tok a mentalmu?

I don't give a fuck of what you think and/or feel.


"Hahaha untune pothol on" (that's how my friends expressed their happiness a day after I got that fucking accident)
"untumu gak iso biasa ae a yo?"
"mesem.o ae sas, ojok ngguyu. Ayuan mesem awakmu. Temenan a"

Those are only 3 out of hundred statements I always get in 22 years.

You probably think, "ya udah sih ngapain juga ditanggepin/makan ati" or "halah kan mek guyon"

Oh lol! Hey dude, talk is cheap.

Whatever you think of me, I can only say, you know nothing about me. I am so sure you can't be as strong as I am. You can't even be as steady as I am. Let me be arrogant. Because you will never understand me. You know nothing about what I feel.

When you claim that you do understand me, you're gonna comprehend when I say "I do this, because I want to get back to my real self. I am so tired of being this fake person"

When you read this post, you are a family of mine. You are a close friend of mine. You are the best friend of mine.

When you consider yourself as my truly family and/or best friend and/or close friend, you're gonna understand..that I am apparently that exhausted, fragile...and terrible.

March 28^th 2015.

I was officially 22 years. Ha ha ha.

I do remember when it was my 19^th birthday, the first person who said “Happy Birthday to You” was the DVD Rental shop I subscribed. How lovely. Whoever its staff, who sent me that Happy Birthday text message, I love you. But who knows that was just an automatic text message? How perfectly pathetic.

This year’s birthday was actually as bad as the 19^th. I understand that was a carma. A cute carma for me. Because last year, I forgot most all of my bestfriends' birthdays. They all complained me. They were all mad at me. I am so sorry, dear bestfriends.

So, the first who said happy birthday to me was Martin. How could he remember? Isn’t that amazing? No. He was online on Skype and Skype never forgets to give birthday reminder. The second person was my cute deskmate in high school, Galuh. We aren't really close actually, but we are kind of an everlasting deskmate who always sincerely help each other during the nightmare of the exams. The third person was Parth. It was so surprising that he called me from that super far away country which I believe he had to pay expensive enough. It was an amazing call, thank you :)

For you information, until noon I only got three happy birthdays. I was so sad. I didn’t know that carma hurt that much. How about my mother? She did not do that. It’s not her thing. Besides, everytime I complain her why she doesn’t say happy birthday to me, she always answers like this: “Oh my God..How could you think of me that way? I always pray for you more than 5 times a day, every single day. How could you complain me that way?” And I can only hug and kiss her. Father? He won't say before my mother says. What a sweet couple.

13:30 PM

When I was babysitting my cute niece, I saw some people in front of the house. I came to them and I could clearly see one of them hiding behind my cousin’s car. I didn’t know what he was doing. Then here that came..a failed surprise arranged by Nadia, Wika, Elva, Mas Iqbal and Alfian. The one who hid behind the car was mas Iqbal, he was carrying a small birthday cake which later on was conquered by Elva. I thought she didn’t eat for a week or so.

After take several silly self pictures, we talked and laughed for almost 1.5 hours. It was heavily raining and we could not go outside. So I decided to cook a big bowl of spaghetti for them which later on was attacked by Nadia. Before she went home, she thanked me so much that I helped her for her breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time.

Dear mas Iqbal, thank you so much for sacrificing your energy, money and time, leaving from Sidoarjo to Malang just for surprising me.

Dear Wika and Elva, thank you so much for always be my library of life.

Dear Nadia, thank you for the failed surprise. Sorry that I messed it up. But seriously, that’s totally a failure hahaha! But please, please don’t bore yourself to give me the other failed surprises. I think I start to love it, indeed.

Dear Alfian, thank you so much for your abnormal appearance in my birthday. To be honest, I do feel that I am mad at you since you suddenly left my house without saying anything to me. I was Cooking the spaghetti For You and you treated me like a douchebag. Even if I was not important, you should say something to my parents before you left. but you didn't. It was my birthday. It occurred only once a year. How could you be that rude?

Dear a bestfriend who directly declared that you wanted to take revenge because I forgot your birthday, thank you so much. I am so sorry. I even didn’t know that you were hospitalized for a week few days ago. I know I make everything worse. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I am so sorry.

Dear family and all friends who finally said happy birthday to me, thank you so much :)

I may not receive happy birthdays as many as several years ago. I may be getting older and change. But now I do know what I am struggling for and whom I am spending the hard labor days with.

will you believe that I was wearing a short pant?

Monday before noon, 11:30 am

I was talking to the librarian and asking for his permission because my supervisor asked me to be her lovely messenger (read: victim). She asked me to borrow someone’s bachelor thesis related to my research which we discussed before. Yes, to bring someone’s thesis outside the library is so forbidden. But she’s a super senior lecturer. She is more than Super Junior. No one in that building can just ignore her orders. While the librarian was writing something, I took a glance outside the room. I saw two girls walked in rush but I could see one of them gave me a wide smile. I do remember the other one did the same thing but I could not see her face because I didn’t wear my glasses on. I do know the first girl, she is Ken. But I just thought it was not really necessary for me to smile back at her and had a random chat with her. She is not that important though. Kidding. I was so terrible at that time and I could barely think normally. All I wanted were just finished this being-pathetic-messenger stuff, gave that someone’s thesis to my supervisor and went home.

After having non-balanced argument with the librarian and got that someone’s thesis, I ate him and the girl next to him because I just didn’t like her face went to the 5^th floor to meet my supervisor. I walked through the hall and suddenly stopped. I could not breathe. I just could not believe my eyes to show me eenie meenie cheesy kitty piggy silly creepy living thing standing in front of me. Then I felt my right arm automatically moved 90° forward (not backward. And please, stop imagining it) with my index finger (not my little finger. I was not helping someone to pick his nose. Please stop imagining stupid things. That’s disgusting) pointed at her. I could only shout, “Whoaa! Whoaa! Whoaaaa!”, seven times. For God’s sake, I wanted to smacked her down, lifted her and threw her directly to my supervisor.

Exactly. IT WAS RURU! IT WAS RURUUUUUUU! IT WAS HER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Who the hell is Ruru? Please kindly check the thesaurus here.

Oh my God. God Almighty. It was her. It had been more than a year, it had been thousand times I asked and begged her when she would visit us here. She didn’t even answer me. But yesterday, she was just suddenly in front of me. I really wanted to hug her but it’s just not my thing. Then I asked her, “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”. She was just laughing. “No, no. What the fuck is this? No”. My heart just could not accept that kind of moment.

She then told me what she should told me a year ago. I felt like the building and my supervisor fell down upon me. I was terribly happy and sad at the same time. I didn’t know that someone had been literally stabbing her million times. I didn’t know how she still could give me that wide smile. I was just so disappointed. She is more than kind and smart. She is more than reliable and strong. She is more than generous and wise. She is more than funny and friendly. God, why do You break her heart that hard?

Don’t worry, Ru. You are finally back and you choose to stay. You do the right thing.

Don’t worry, Ru. Let’s start our stupid life once more.

Let’s go to Mbok Judes, Spesial Sambal and Ayam Geprak Kosan Elva. Let’s hide some chilies in Alfian’s noodle. Let’s go to our favorite beach and take dumb self pictures. I’ll invite our lovely ESC CO friends and let’s laugh so hard.

So leave the fake heaven, cut your noisy wings and let yourself fall down to the earth. Don’t be afraid to crush, Ru. ‘cause we’ve got your back. We’ve got your back.


PS: Do you remember these photos, Ru? :)

March 28th, 2014

I started my day as flat as usual. I knew, it was my birth day and I should be happy. But I was not happy at all. I would not let my mind let the Happiness freely went out from its disgusting jail. Because Happiness was Hope's blood. And Hope already betrayed me so much. I would not let the Happiness stare at Blue Sky, I would not let Hope took any breath and hurt the Blue Sky.

23 Januari 2014 jam 9 pagi, mengiyakan ajakan Ruru untuk mengemis wifi di kampus. *walaupun akhirnya sampe di kampus jam 10 lebih karena harus mengemban tugas negara terlebih dahulu*

Mengiyakan karena bingung di rumah mau ngapain, mengiyakan karena memang butuh banget sambungan internet buat ngecek nilai di SIAM, mengiyakan karena...Ruru nggak bakal jadi partner hedon tertangguhku lagi dalam beberapa hari kedepan.

Apa kabar anda yang di Malaysia? 

Instruksi pertama yang harus kalian lakukan setelah membaca kalimat diatas adalah tetap menjaga pikiran agar tetap tenang terkendali tanpa sedikitpun tercemari oleh unsur binal, kemudian minum setengah galon air tajin agar peredaran darah tetap lancar, lalu taburi wajah dengan wijen secukupnya.

Pernah dengerin atau nonton videonya Walk Off The Earth nggak? Kayak pernah denger ya? Iya! Band indie asal Ontario yang beranggotakan 5 orang tak biasa ini sukses memikat hati Rhoma Irama ratusan juta orang di seluruh dunia berkat video cover Gotye - Somebody That I Used To Know yang mereka bawakan secara bombastis tanpa petis awal tahun 2012 lalu. Si suara sekseh Gianni Luminati (ngerasa ada yang aneh gak sama namanya?) langsung membuat aku lemah letih lesu lunglai kutu air kadas kurap panas dalam bibir pecah-pecah tak berdaya ketika aku tahu dia bisa memainkan lebih dari 10 alat musik baik moderen maupun tradisional! Nggak percaya? coba cek deh!

Setelah menikmati video cover Payphone yang sebagian besar bagiannya dinyanyikan oleh si Gianni Luminati, aku jadi inget bapak. Mereka berdua beraliran darah yang sama, tapi bukan berarti si Gianni ini anak bapakku -kakak kandungku -yang telah diculik oleh orang tak dikenal puluhan tahun lalu. Mereka sama-sama berdarah seniman. Sama-sama genius dalam hal apapun yang berbau seni, hanya kebangsaan, tubuh, wajah, serta nasiblah yang membedakan mereka. Kalian sedih nggak? :(

Oke fyi, bapak lihai memainkan beberapa alat musik seperti gitar, bass, piano, keyboard, seruling, harmonika, kendang, kolintang, gamelan dan banyak lainnya. Nggak sampai disitu aja, bapak juga ahli dalam menciptakan lagu beserta liriknya, melukis, dekorasi, dan seni pahat. Itu semua bapak pelajari secara otodidak. Standing ovation-nya dong buat bapakku!

Bapak itu orangnya cerdas, keras kepala, semaunya sendiri, egois, nggak sabaran, pokoknya nggak mau diatur. Seniman banget kan?. Setiap bapak pengen suatu hal, gimanapun caranya, hal itu HARUS terwujud! Nggak heran banyak orang nyerah dan melambaikan tangan pada benda apapun di dekat mereka kalau bapak udah mulai menunjukkan sifatnya itu.

Percaya atau nggak, aku jarang banget ngobrol sama bapak. Kalaupun ngobrol, itupun hanya menyangkut kunci motor + STNK, siapa yang jemput adik, dan tanya ibu pergi kemana kalau aku atau bapak mendapati ibu nggak di rumah. Iya, itu semua nggak bisa dinamakan ngobrol, nggak tau harus disebut apa karena terlalu singkatnya pembicaraan antara aku dan bapak, bahkan mungkin nggak sampe 140 karakter. Kalau kamu bisa menerima dengan tulus ikhlas fakta di atas, berarti kamu juga bisa menerima dengan lapang dada tanpa merasakan perih yang mencuat semburat dihatimu secara signifikan ketika kamu membaca fakta berikut ini, aku pernah nggak ngomong sama sekali dengan bapak selama hampir 3 bulan. 

Kata ibu, aku punya sifat yang hampir sama dengan bapak, jadi sudah sangat wajar kalau aku dan bapak selalu "otot-ototan" bahkan bertengkar dalam menyikapi suatu hal. Pernah pada suatu waktu, bapak ngotot minta beli keyboard untuk menundukung bisnis yang digelutinya saat itu. Ibu setuju, dengan syarat bapak harus mengajari aku bermain keyboard karena itu akan sangat berguna bagi masa depanku. Minggu pertama setelah dibelinya keyboard unyu itu, aku sudah nggak mau lagi belajar keyboard karena bapak yang sangat tidak sabaran, nggak telaten kata ibu. Sedangkan aku, sampai kapanpun nggak akan pernah bisa belajar dengan cara dibentak atau dimarahi. Tiap aku salah pencet, bapak selalu berbicara dengan nada tinggi "Kamu itu salah!", "Kamu itu gitu aja kok nggak hafal-hafal!", "Setelah pencet itu langsung pencet yang ini! (sambil menarik tanganku dengan kasar)", mangkel nggak? Itu alasan kenapa aku sama sekali tidak menguasai satupun alat musik dengan baik dan benar (kenapa nggak belajar sendiri? karena aku bukan anak yang memiliki jiwa otodidak). Itu juga hal yang mendasari kenapa aku dan bapak jarang berkomunikasi.

Seperti kucing dan anjing, kata ibu. "Kalian itu aneh! Kalau bertemu selalu bertengkar, tapi kalau salah satu belum ada di rumah pasti dicari" adalah kalimat yang sudah sering aku dengar dari mulut ibu seusai aku dan bapak bertengkar. Pernah suatu ketika, aku pulang pukul 11 malam karena ada kegiatan himpunan di kampus. Aku melihat dari kejauhan bapak duduk berjongkok sambil mendengarkan lagu dari handphonenya di depan pagar. Seusai aku memarkir motor, bapak tiba-tiba berkata dengan nada yang *bagiku* kasar dan meninggi, "Kamu itu ngapain aja sampe malem jam segini! Ibumu itu lo bantuen!". Dengan keadaan sungguh letih dan mengantuk, seketika itu juga dadaku terasa panas membuncah, meledak! sangat meledak!. Aku menjawab pertanyaan bapak dengan bentakan dan segera nyelonong pergi.

Jangan tanyakan akhirnya seperti apa, karena aku tahu sifat bapak seperti apa. Jangan pernah tanyakan kapan aku sanggup berkata "Aku sayang bapak", karena demi Allah aku tidak akan sanggup, sungguh aku tidak sanggup membuat diriku benar-benar menangis hingga benar-benar runtuh. Jangan pernah membayangkan aku dan bapak sekarang sedang berdiskusi tentang lirik-lirik lagu puitis yang diciptakan Ariel, karena hingga detik ini, aku dan bapak tetap berdiri tegak di dua puncak terjal kengengsian yang saling berhadapan..dengan menggenggap erat tameng ego kami masing-masing.

bapak

ps : judul awkward aku sematkan pada postingan kali ini, karena ini adalah kali pertama aku menulis tentang bapak

(from left to right : Elva Sukaisih, mas Iqbal-a Bantuan, Aku, Wika Prol Tape)

Aku dedikasikan sebuah lagu berjudul I Hate Monday yang aku nggak tahu dinyanyikan oleh siapa untuk Senin yang unyu minggu ini. Yap! Op! Op! Oppa Gangnam Style! Bersama jelmaan-jelmaan tunas tebu (selain wanita seksi berkacamata berkerudung hitam ya tentunya) dalam foto hina diatas, kami serta Amin (foto Amin tidak disertakan karena dapat menyebabkan radiasi, impotensi dan gangguan jiwa berlebih), memutuskan untuk menonton Dead Mine sekitar pukul 13.15 WITLM (Waktu Imsak Tinggal Lima Menit). 

Sebagai koloni mahasiswa pas-pas-an baik materi maupun wajah, kami pilih hari Senin karena pasti nomat alias nonton hemat! Dan lalu kemudian setelah itu ketika seraya sebagaimana jika *2 jam kemudian* kami terpaksa harus gigit jari kelingking sebelah kiri karena ternyata Dead Mine nggak sebagus, seheboh, dan sekeren thrillernya! Kami juga terpaksa harus gigit dompet karena meskipun Senin identik dengan nomat dan kita bela-belain menggeledah barang apapun yang kami punya -kali aja nemu uang didalamnya-, mulai tanggal 1 Januari 2013 setelah mengadakan rapat besar dan tahlilan serta tanjidoran bersama ibu-ibu muslimat ranting Klojen, para pemilik bioskop di kota Malang sepakat memutuskan untuk menaikkan harga tiket nomat yang awalnya 20 ribu menjadi 25 ribu rupiah saja. Setelah itu kami memutuskan untuk nggak gigit-gigit karena kami sudah tak punya apa-apa lagi yang layak untuk di gigit.

YIHAA! Layaknya pak-pak penjual balon tetotet keliling yang selalu berhasil menjadi moodbooster batita yang lagi bertengkar rebutan ketan sama kakaknya, Amin sukses mengobati kekecewaanku, kekecewaan mas Iqbal, dan kekecewaan Wika (Elva tetep nggak terima sama konyolnya akhir cerita Dead Mine dan dia berencana ngebom bioskop mengenaskan tersebut dalam waktu dekat ini) karena dia hari ini ulang tahun! *Happy Birthday Min!*.

Bermodalkan uang yang terpaksa dibobol dari rekeningnya sendiri, dengan amat terpaksa, untuk membahagiakan kaum duafa nan nestapa Amin mengajak aku, mas Iqbal, Wika, dan Elva untuk makan di suatu warung lesehan deket bioskop. *singkat cerita* Lalu kami senang (kecuali Elva yang masih bete dan tetep berencana untuk ngebom bioskop tersebut diatas) karena kami kenyang!.

Nggak ada kata apapun dari bahasa apapun yang bisa mengungkapkan betapa senangnya aku hari ini!Lagi, nggak ada kata apapun dari bahasa apapun yang bisa mengungkapkan betapa aku sungguh bersembah sujud syukur kepada Allah karena mendapat kesempatan untuk mengguratkan setitik kenangan dalam hidup mereka!