Well, it's been a little while since my last post.
My undergraduate thesis acted like 3 months baby girl to me. You know what I mean.
But thank God, now I've got another 3 months baby girl. Her name is Unemployed.
So this little baby girl keeps whining all the time forcing myself to look for her father. Yeah. What a life.

Let's straight to the point.

For those who have met me in real life, I am sure you do see the condition of one of my front tooth. For those who have met me and have talked to my father at least two times, I am sure you do know how I always feel regarding to that front tooth condition. For those who are luckier, I am sure you know how that front tooth ended up that way.

Yesterday, a company called me for an interview. SO today, I decided to go to the dentist. I don't have enough money to choose the best choice the doctor gave. I could only choose the not-so-good-but-good choice which allows me to survive in this "new return" for max. 2 months. But that's okay. I am so sure I can choose the best choice very soon.

see the strange thing?


You probably think: What for?. You probably feel: are you serious? mek sak mene tok a mentalmu?

I don't give a fuck of what you think and/or feel.


"Hahaha untune pothol on" (that's how my friends expressed their happiness a day after I got that fucking accident)
"untumu gak iso biasa ae a yo?"
"mesem.o ae sas, ojok ngguyu. Ayuan mesem awakmu. Temenan a"

Those are only 3 out of hundred statements I always get in 22 years.

You probably think, "ya udah sih ngapain juga ditanggepin/makan ati" or "halah kan mek guyon"

Oh lol! Hey dude, talk is cheap.

Whatever you think of me, I can only say, you know nothing about me. I am so sure you can't be as strong as I am. You can't even be as steady as I am. Let me be arrogant. Because you will never understand me. You know nothing about what I feel.

When you claim that you do understand me, you're gonna comprehend when I say "I do this, because I want to get back to my real self. I am so tired of being this fake person"

When you read this post, you are a family of mine. You are a close friend of mine. You are the best friend of mine.

When you consider yourself as my truly family and/or best friend and/or close friend, you're gonna understand..that I am apparently that exhausted, fragile...and terrible.
March 28th 2015.

I was officially 22 years. Ha ha ha.

I do remember when it was my 19th birthday, the first person who said “Happy Birthday to You” was the DVD Rental shop I subscribed. How lovely. Whoever its staff, who sent me that Happy Birthday text message, I love you. But who knows that was just an automatic text message? How perfectly pathetic.

This year’s birthday was actually as bad as the 19th. I understand that was a carma. A cute carma for me. Because last year, I forgot most all of my bestfriends' birthdays. They all complained me. They were all mad at me. I am so sorry, dear bestfriends.

So, the first who said happy birthday to me was Martin. How could he remember? Isn’t that amazing? No. He was online on Skype and Skype never forgets to give birthday reminder. The second person was my cute deskmate in high school, Galuh. We aren't really close actually, but we are kind of an everlasting deskmate who always sincerely help each other during the nightmare of the exams. The third person was Parth. It was so surprising that he called me from that super far away country which I believe he had to pay expensive enough. It was an amazing call, thank you :)

For you information, until noon I only got three happy birthdays. I was so sad. I didn’t know that carma hurt that much. How about my mother? She did not do that. It’s not her thing. Besides, everytime I complain her why she doesn’t say happy birthday to me, she always answers like this: “Oh my God..How could you think of me that way? I always pray for you more than 5 times a day, every single day. How could you complain me that way?” And I can only hug and kiss her. Father? He won't say before my mother says. What a sweet couple.

13:30 PM
When I was babysitting my cute niece, I saw some people in front of the house. I came to them and I could clearly see one of them hiding behind my cousin’s car. I didn’t know what he was doing. Then here that came..a failed surprise arranged by Nadia, Wika, Elva, Mas Iqbal and Alfian. The one who hid behind the car was mas Iqbal, he was carrying a small birthday cake which later on was conquered by Elva. I thought she didn’t eat for a week or so.
After take several silly self pictures, we talked and laughed for almost 1.5 hours. It was heavily raining and we could not go outside. So I decided to cook a big bowl of spaghetti for them which later on was attacked by Nadia. Before she went home, she thanked me so much that I helped her for her breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time.

Dear mas Iqbal, thank you so much for sacrificing your energy, money and time, leaving from Sidoarjo to Malang just for surprising me.
Dear Wika and Elva, thank you so much for always be my library of life.
Dear Nadia, thank you for the failed surprise. Sorry that I messed it up. But seriously, that’s totally a failure hahaha! But please, please don’t bore yourself to give me the other failed surprises. I think I start to love it, indeed.
Dear Alfian, thank you so much for your abnormal appearance in my birthday. To be honest, I do feel that I am mad at you since you suddenly left my house without saying anything to me. I was Cooking the spaghetti For You and you treated me like a douchebag. Even if I was not important, you should say something to my parents before you left. but you didn't. It was my birthday. It occurred only once a year. How could you be that rude?
Dear a bestfriend who directly declared that you wanted to take revenge because I forgot your birthday, thank you so much. I am so sorry. I even didn’t know that you were hospitalized for a week few days ago. I know I make everything worse. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do. I am so sorry.
Dear family and all friends who finally said happy birthday to me, thank you so much :)

I may not receive happy birthdays as many as several years ago. I may be getting older and change. But now I do know what I am struggling for and whom I am spending the hard labor days with.

will you believe that I was wearing a short pant?
Monday before noon, 11:30 am

I was talking to the librarian and asking for his permission because my supervisor asked me to be her lovely messenger (read: victim). She asked me to borrow someone’s bachelor thesis related to my research which we discussed before. Yes, to bring someone’s thesis outside the library is so forbidden. But she’s a super senior lecturer. She is more than Super Junior. No one in that building can just ignore her orders. While the librarian was writing something, I took a glance outside the room. I saw two girls walked in rush but I could see one of them gave me a wide smile. I do remember the other one did the same thing but I could not see her face because I didn’t wear my glasses on. I do know the first girl, she is Ken. But I just thought it was not really necessary for me to smile back at her and had a random chat with her. She is not that important though. Kidding. I was so terrible at that time and I could barely think normally. All I wanted were just finished this being-pathetic-messenger stuff, gave that someone’s thesis to my supervisor and went home.

After having non-balanced argument with the librarian and got that someone’s thesis, I ate him and the girl next to him because I just didn’t like her face went to the 5th floor to meet my supervisor. I walked through the hall and suddenly stopped. I could not breathe. I just could not believe my eyes to show me eenie meenie cheesy kitty piggy silly creepy living thing standing in front of me. Then I felt my right arm automatically moved 90° forward (not backward. And please, stop imagining it) with my index finger (not my little finger. I was not helping someone to pick his nose. Please stop imagining stupid things. That’s disgusting) pointed at her. I could only shout, “Whoaa! Whoaa! Whoaaaa!”, seven times. For God’s sake, I wanted to smacked her down, lifted her and threw her directly to my supervisor.


Exactly. IT WAS RURU! IT WAS RURUUUUUUU! IT WAS HER!!!!!!!!!!!!
Who the hell is Ruru? Please kindly check the thesaurus here.


Oh my God. God Almighty. It was her. It had been more than a year, it had been thousand times I asked and begged her when she would visit us here. She didn’t even answer me. But yesterday, she was just suddenly in front of me. I really wanted to hug her but it’s just not my thing. Then I asked her, “Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”. She was just laughing. “No, no. What the fuck is this? No”. My heart just could not accept that kind of moment.

She then told me what she should told me a year ago. I felt like the building and my supervisor fell down upon me. I was terribly happy and sad at the same time. I didn’t know that someone had been literally stabbing her million times. I didn’t know how she still could give me that wide smile. I was just so disappointed. She is more than kind and smart. She is more than reliable and strong. She is more than generous and wise. She is more than funny and friendly. God, why do You break her heart that hard?

Don’t worry, Ru. You are finally back and you choose to stay. You do the right thing.
Don’t worry, Ru. Let’s start our stupid life once more.
Let’s go to Mbok Judes, Spesial Sambal and Ayam Geprak Kosan Elva. Let’s hide some chilies in Alfian’s noodle. Let’s go to our favorite beach and take dumb self pictures. I’ll invite our lovely ESC CO friends and let’s laugh so hard.

So leave the fake heaven, cut your noisy wings and let yourself fall down to the earth. Don’t be afraid to crush, Ru. ‘cause we’ve got your back. We’ve got your back.


PS: Do you remember these photos, Ru? :)







Sore hari ini, hujan turun sangat deras. Saya, Wilongko dan Elisugigi (bukan nama sebenarnya) sedang berusaha membekap diri dengan jas anti air karena nantinya kami akan menabuh genderang perang dan membusungkan dada kami, untuk menerjang jutaan tangisan malaikat tak bernyawa itu. 

 Wilongko dan saya memilih untuk mengendarai satu kuda. Dan Wilongko saya dapuk untuk mengendalikan kuda tersebut. Saya beruntung, karena Wilongko, membawa 2 jas anti air. Namun sayang seribu sayang, Wilongko lebih memilih untuk tetap tampil stylish daripada berbesar hati mengalah dengan saya. Dia tetap bersikukuh mengenakan jas anti air two suits dan saya dengan sangat terpaksa dan ikhlas serta bertawakal kepada Tuhan untuk menggunakan jas anti air lowo. Elisugigi baik-baik saja. Walaupun ternyata setelah setengah perjalanan dia baru menyadari bahwa celananya basah karena jas anti air two suitsnya robek di bagian tak senonoh. 

 Kemanakah saya, Wilongko dan Elisugigi sebenarnya? Mengapa kami berusaha mati-matian menerjang badai balada tangisan malaikat tak bernyawa di sore hari?